A Reply to J's Letter: How to deal with Blogger’s/Writer’s Block?

#LifeAsACanvas: Can You Get Addicted To Sadness?

#LifeAsACanvas: Can You Get Addicted To Sadness?
Our toes were pressing against the burning sand towards the estuary of Veleka and the sea. Though it was close to 5 pm the sun was still way too strong to bear and the few unknown tourists were hiding under the shade of the trees. Rather than keeping my feet afar from the top layer of the ground I was graciously floating down the coastline aware that he was just beside me.
My lips were stretched in a genuine smile probably triggered by the bunch of playful butterflies that were chasing each other somewhere down my belly. The fluttery feeling that kept on reappearing was alien to me and I had absolutely no clue how to control it. 

Frankly, over time I?ve learned to conceal my negative
emotions and instead illuminate the most positive and upbeat side of me in public.
I?ve been wearing the mask of the grinning clown, craving to elicit joy and
smiles rather than negativity and trouble.
And in private? Well, I’ve managed to cultivate a particular
feeling of sadness that have turned into my most enthusing muse.  The one that sparked in me the need to write my
heart out and spill out my soul.

However, it never crossed my mind how easy it could actually
be to get hooked on feeling blue
. And today looking back, it?s quite startling that I’ve never sought ways to get rid of that rotten feeling and that instead I chose to invest all of my energy attempting to sustain it. I?d play a melancholic tune to bring back dejected memories that
would make my mind shiver and let poetic words flow out.
In my latest post I shared my ways to deal with writer?s
block (here). When working on it, however, I was still completely oblivious to the
true reasons behind my lack of inspiration. But could you really solve a problem without having truly acknowledged the true reasons behind it? 
Recently I stumbled upon an article by Dr. Margaret Paul (1999) who distinguishes between two types
of sadness ? Core and Wounded. She argues that ‘core sadness’ appears as a result of an external event that has taken place: be it death, physical pain, humiliation. Conversely, ‘wounded sadness’ is equal to one’s inability to face and cope with their core feelings. 
‘Wounded sadness’ is what WE cause OURSELVES by firmly believing in our inability to deal with life and in this sense death, abandonment, etc. Rather than tacking the problem itself, in a state of ‘wounded sadness’ one chooses to neglect it by blaming and judging others, exhibiting compulsive behaviour(s) and/or getting addicted to various substances, or in other words, going down the easier, yet overly destructive, road called ‘repression’. 

By flashing an image of a victim, the ‘wounded’ one secretly
hopes that a saviour (be it a friend, partner, or a family member) will magically appear to take them out of their misery.

When reading through Paul?s article I acknowledged that
while I was in the state of ‘core sadness’ induced by past events such as a painful and unexpected break-up and episodes of an eating disorder (here) it took me ages to finally come into terms with the true reasons behind my insecurities, doubts and anger. Up until then, however, I had already gotten way too accustomed with my ‘wounded sadness’,
feeling its suffocating presence every time I was left alone with my thoughts.
However, in contrast to the description of that Paul gives, I rarely sought help from others, doing my best to hide my disposition. Instead, having always taken the role of a caretaker I was wearing a mask with a cheerful grin, attentively listening to the problems of others, helping them deal with their anxieties whilst neglecting my individual ones. My ‘wounded sadness’ was my best friend only in private which continued for quite some years. And rather than trying to overcome all that’s taken place in the past I chose to fuel the feeling by listening to particular songs on repeat that could reinforce the gloomy feelings; reading books about pain and sorrow, watching films with the same thematics, and of course never sharing any of that with others.

When I reached the estuary of Veleka. ten days ago, F. was running behind
and I climbed a petite dune. I let some sand run through my fingers and as it fell back
on the ground I felt a heavy burden lifting off my shoulders. The sparkling sun-rays that were completely filling my sight and F’s nearby
presence were completely enough to fill my lungs with joy.

Weirdly, people create, write, draw, sing when they feel
inspired enough to do so.
Me? I write when I’m overly sad.
However, today, my private best friend is anything but ‘sadness’.

Yesterday morning I was doing my best to fill my heart with sadness; the sadness that inspired me to write and create ‘LTA’ in the first place. I guess I thought that this was the only way out of the suffocating writer?s block. But no matter what my aims were, F. noticed the phoniness of my smile and got way too persistent striving to unveil the true reasons behind my current state of mind.

‘You seem sad’ he uttered with me quietly hoping he’d drop the subject and move on. He never did.
That’s the exact moment when I finally go it.
Yes, precisely that. 
Up until then it had never crossed my mind that all I had to do was embrace my happiness and find inspiration in it rather than force myself to ‘feel sad’ again in order to be able to write.
Today I?m not wearing the mask of a goofy clown in my attempts to conceal my inner troubles. I?m wearing my most genuine self ? cheerful, content and happy. A self that has finally managed to deal with its core troubles, rather than seek destructive ways to (mis)handle the situations that have taken place in the past. And, please, don’t get mistaken. The process of change didn’t start with F. entering my life and changing it. It started a few months prior to our first conversation when I finally decided  to close all doors to the painful episodes from my past. 
It started when I chose to forgive myself and all those who’ve hurt me when I realised that loving myself and my life was the first step to expecting and attracting love from the outside.

F., however, was the trigger who helped me realise that I’d already gone a long way, who reminded me that it’s the little things that count…that should really make you smile. The way the waters of Veleka join the Black Sea, the way the wind cheekily plays with your hair when entering the sea.

And, surely, just like any other addiction, you can’t help but nostalgically miss the ‘thing’ to which you were hooked. It’s not easy to truly move on and admit that you’ve found your way out of the unhappiness; that you’ve finally found the road to your ultimate happiness. 
I’m still learning to embrace it, to get inspired by it and to write about it. 

Bikini: Za Za: Alternative Bikini Lab Thread Zeppelin Bandeau Bikini Top
Crop Top: Pull and Bear: Alternative: AEO Flowy Button Front Tank
Shorts: Pull and Bear: AE Boyfriend Short

Are you ready to do the same?

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