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A Reply To E’s Letter: ‘Lose Yourself To Find Yourself’
A Reply To E’s Letter: ‘Lose Yourself To Find Yourself’
Yesterday, as I was going through my inbox I stumbled upon a letter I received a couple of months ago. I kept on postponing drafting my reply, as I knew I had to face a certain ugly truth. But as I kept re-reading E?s question:
?What do we do if we cannot remember who we were prior to entering the relationship, as somewhere over its course we?ve completely lost sense of the person that we used to be, ending up as nothing but its bleak shadow.’I
knew it was time for me lay it all out there for her and all of you my lovely readers.
I dedicate today?s post to each an every one of you who’ve stumbled upon it, congratulating the ones who’ve ever felt as if they’ve lost sense of their self at a certain moment
of their lives.
Thank you for dropping me a letter and for the question you raised. Over the years, I?ve tried to
unsuccessfully answer it myself, choosing instead to leave it hanging in the
air, terrified to come to a straightforward conclusion.
When I was
finally ready to share my stance with you I thought ? why not give you some
tips for how to find yourself?
And then a
moment of clarity hit me:
How could I
even dare giving you guidance about something that I don?t really believe in?
Are you staring at your screen wondering what?s
up with me today?
You know, a couple of years ago I was in a relationship, which I thought would last until ?the end of time?. Him and I got the same tattoos on our wrists, with my inner voice repeatedly convincing me that this was the right thing to do. After all we completed each other; we were two parts that formed the perfect WHOLE.
I never dared voice my thoughts. Not in front of him. My friends. And certainly not in front of my parents.
My EGO was way too embarrassed to acknowledge that I?ve become something that I’d NEVER thought I?d ever be: D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T
Unfortunately, I?d ended up counting on another human being to make me feel complete; to fuel my soul with joy, to feed me with positive vibes and passionate love…
…you know to satisfy my human needs => make me feel ALIVE.
Gosh, I cannot even believe that I?m referring to myself right now.
And today while looking back I can clearly discern where I went wrong.
It was around the second or third month when I stopped socialising and keeping in touch with my acquaintances, assuming that this t was what my boyfriend wanted.
I was striving to maintain the image of the perfect girlfriend, cooking often, always dressed in attire that would adhere (what I thought were) his expectations.
The perfectionist in me obliged me to create an image that would AT ALL TIMES appeal to him.
It seemed to me that he didn?t approve of girls who used inappropriate language, so, you guessed it right, swearing was no longer an option.
I quit drinking alcohol.
I lost the ability to express my thoughts in my cool and cheeky way.
To polish off my new and quite dolled up self, I even died my hair blond and rocked it with the longest hair extensions you can possibly imagine.
At that point: My cheeky attitude and playful personality had already vanished.
And while investing my energy in altering all that I was (in order to please ?my other half?, or at least that’s the excuse I used to justify my behaviour), I was running out power to chase my personal goals and dreams.
Wait a minute.
To be more precise, I no longer felt the need to focus on my long forgotten passions as I had one main goal at the present: maintaining our love and hoping to receive some love and affection in return.
And no, E. I was wasn’t losing myself.
I was in the making of a self that never managed to appeal to me (or to anyone I knew from before).
A self I considered excessively boring and completely unattractive.
A self that was no longer communicative and bubbly. A self that, as you perfectly put it, was ?a bleak shadow? of all that I?d ever yearned to be.
But I didn?t stop there.
I kept on trying to prove myself; to become the girl that he would enjoy being with again.
My EGO and my perfectionism never allowed me to give up and move on from this relationship for good; to give up on the picture-perfect (yet inexistent) image of the ?us?.
Each and every single time we had an argument I?d hysterically cry and, honestly, back then I felt that I wouldn?t be able to properly live if we were to split up.
And how could I have possible thought any other way, when I?ve invested quite some time crafting a person who:
a) I?d never wanted to be (though I did my very best to convince myself in the opposite)
b) he never seemed content with
When the ?break-up? finally took place my world collapsed.
At that point, I?d already allowed myself to grow apart from most my friends (They simply couldn?t stand my new self. And how could they? We established a friendship based on who I was before I went through such an unbelievable change. ) I couldn?t imagine not being 24/7 engaged in maintaining the supposedly ?perfect image I?ve done my best to create?.
And D*** it!
He didn?t fell in love with that ?new person?.
He fell for the girl I LOVED and still LOVE BEING.
With her bubbliness.
With the spark in her eyes.
With her cheekiness.
With her quirky tom-boy (ish) behavior.
With her dark hair and huge grin.
With ME. The ME I love.
Since an early age E, we learn!
We learn to live, to be happy, to cry, to communicate, to work, to exist!
It?s our choice to decide what type of person we would like to become (and to be perceived as). Some would argue that ?genes? also count.
Really? Coz I do think that’s just another excuse we’ve happily cultivated over the years.
You can always alter what you dislike in yourself and turn into what you?d enjoy seeing in the mirror.
The INNER mirror.
You wanna call yourself a dancer?
You wanna be able to call yourself a musician?
Well, you know what you have to do.
But it’s precisely these moments, when you feel like ?losing yourself? (or what you thought you
were) that you can actually find out who you wanna to be.
And it?s when you feel like a complete ?nobody? that you get the exclusive opportunity to fully embrace the YOU.
Without the social expectations. Without your ex?s expectations. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, without the highest expectations of them all ? YOURS.
The time we have is way too short for us to waste on being something that we don’t want to.
To invest your energy in attempts to appeal to someone when there?re lots of ?other ones? who would like you when you?re at your best.
And when I say best ? that?s the self you don?t have to create. To alter or to polish off. That?s the self you are ?in the making of? while breathing in and out every single day.
I used to think that romantic LOVE is the grandest things of all.
Today I know that it?s ?Self Love? that?s above everything we know.
Give yourself the unconditional love you deserve.
/As we have no right to expect and wait for someone else to fulfil that need/
Drop the expectations.
And be grateful that you?ve experienced this scary thing called ?losing sense self?.
Grab a brush and start painting.
Be the person you want to be.
Engage in activities that will trigger your most genuine smile. Cease beating yourself up over the fact that you?ve forgotten who you?d been before the start of the relationship. You?ve changed. Your wants and needs have done so too.
Use your most precious gift ? the freedom to decide what and who you are!
Discard your EGO, discard the reason.
And now looking down at my wrist I re-read the petit phrase over and over again
?Me and U just us 2?.
How ironic, even the phrase states that you need no one to make you feel complete: