Your worst enemy
Your worst enemy
I?ve been in a dark place before. It was that time of my adolescent years when the photos were indicating that my body was changing?quite rapidly I should say. One month my body was toned and hipless and the next – well-defined curves were contouring my corpse.
This was the very moment when the regular judgment of the girl that was reflected in the mirror became my very specialty. It was so freaking difficult to come up with a valid explanation for why my hips were so well-defined. But what was actually disturbing me more wasn?t the shape of my hips or their size, it was the very fact that they came into existence at all. I got boobies too? and I was wearing the bra size that my mom was wearing back then. Shocking?! Yeh, it would?ve been if my mother was a curvy woman. And she wasn?t. She still isn?t. She?s quite petit and feminine in a quite androgynous way. Think Audrey in Breakfast in Tiffany?s. Yeh I think that would do.
The tears were often coming down my cheeks and my heart was constantly racing. What shall I do now? And then I, of course, came up with the only logical solution ? dieting.
Since then ? my life became defined by constant dieting and weird fitness habits ? in some occasions quite healthy, in others ? purely excessive.
Being 23 years old and reflecting on my past, a huge question mark pops up in my head. Why don?t I have any photos from the period back then? The folders of my old PC are filled with countless art photos and gifs. Photos of me ? not even one. And strangely enough, I don?t even remember what my looks were, what my style was? and whether boys (just cause girl?s are somehow led to believe that boys? attention is definitive of a girl?s social life during school) actually found me attractive.
What I DO remember, though, is the black hole in which I was lingering and in which I was purely suffocating. I can recall that my favourite place was my bed and my most enjoyable read was ?Chicken soup for the teenage soul?. But instead of becoming an introvert, I managed to keep it all together and still illuminate an ?amiable? and inviting to others behavior. Introvert at home, extrovert at school. That was my formula for dealing with life.
And my worst enemy? Well, it was the mirror, which reflected my nastiest enemy.
It was back than when my confidence cracked for the first time. And as you may have already noticed once an object has cracked, no glue can conceal the traces of its rupture.
This is when a little seed of doubt for how little I was worth it got planted in my head. And to be honest, I did nothing to kill it. With my negative thoughts and illusory perceptions of myself I was watering it without even fully acknowledging the disastrous consequence the parasitic weed would eventually have on me.
And just like that – plants grow, but you fail to notice the process for a long time. However, one Monday morning while rushing to your car you suddenly notice a peculiar change in the surrounding scenery. Look up. Come on.
First it comes the shock of your obvious negligence ? how could you have possibly missed these slow natural processes? Well, you could have, the same way you have forgotten when the seeds of your problems got really planted. Your mind may bring forward the events that are nearer to the present, omitting, or shall I say, repressing moments that were much more significant in terms of the way you FEEL now.
I?ve had my ups and downs. And when I was asked to tell my life story for the first time ? all of it ? I recall how shocked I was by the strange turns my narrative took. Though you may struggle at first to make the connections, when you have the time (don?t make excuses ? you know you have the time) sit and reflect. Dig deeper. Come on deeper.