Ready to dive into the future?
Ready to dive into the future?
The other day while sipping our afternoon coffee, S. suddenly asked me ‘Are you in love again’? The question tightly wrapped its hands around my neck. Though my eyes were moving side to side, my lips got stitched together. An awkward silence filled the air… and I was sitting there motionless and mute.
‘A, are you in love?’ Rather than uttering an answer, I let my eyelids shut. I?ve craved to experience the feeling again for far too long. I?ve waited to feel it with every inch of my body ? to sense my skin electrified, to feel my heart pounding very hard.
….And then I suddenly remembered when it first fascinated me?I was a little child, lying in the sand holding a tiny lightening match, which I?d taken out of mom?s hippie bag. Dad suddenly approached me with a gentle smile on his face, reaching his hand to pass him the match. The only thing I heard was a quick snap followed by the sudden appearance of an orange flame. I clapped, amused by the unexpected outcome produced by the contact between the match and the box. Mesmerised by the twinkling flame I leaned forward to touch it when dad blew it out and whispered ‘Beware the fire. Though incredibly appealing, if you?re sloppy it can burn you to the bones’.
Adventurous, impulsive? Though initially I thought these two adjectives could do anything but describe me, it turned out that I?ve been quite reckless and bold in the past. While afraid to dive in waters, deep and black, I?ve never felt anxious around fire. The tranquility it illuminated ? it made up for all of its potential perils. But my quite evident enticement towards it, well, it eventually had its impact on me, leading to a loud and bright explosion.
And that?s what love was initially for me. A spark.
A delicate flame on the top of a lightening match, which though quite enticing, was also way too difficult to maintain. Until I saw a deserted petrol station near the road where ?LOVE? joined me and gave me a hint for how to preserve it. It touched my shoulder and gently pushed me forward. I could smell the fragrance of the past ? the moments we have spent together, the stolen minutes charged with tender electricity, sleepless nights, and gentle kisses.
I suddenly stumbled, completely losing my balance?the match slipped from my hand with the flame passing onto the spilled gasoline on the ground.
One match. One petrol station. And a single second.
One explosion. Car ? burning – One station completely ruined.
And two people utterly dejected looking at each other?s faces, burned and sorrow, scared to touch each other wary not to ruin the remains of their skin. Wounds ? uncountable, pain ? unbearable. Two souls rotten by their ultimate attempt to keep their love alive.
One girl desperately seeking a way to preserve the flame – to manage for a second to make it phenomenal, fervent, and stronger than ever. Love growing, emotions exploding. A momentary thrill hastily replaced by inexpressible numbness.
And then the LOVE languished. The station was torn to its grounds. One girl staring ahead and one boy slowly disappearing at the horizon. Love rotten by the unequal amounts of passion that two people possessed.
But that?s what passion does, lures you to touch it, taste it, and get addicted to it. But once it?s gone, it leaves you empty, insecure, and alone. This time turning you into a contagious human being, spreading aloofness and detachment. Afraid to love, to smile, to dream, crashing all the fragile hopes of anyone bold enough to step into your life and try to make you ‘live’ and ‘feel’ again.
One little stick in the hands of one inexperienced girl with her father?s words ghostly echoing from the past? ‘If you?re sloppy it can burn you to yours bones’. And now, I cannot help but wonder was it really worth it?
The moment I snapped back to reality. S. was staring at me with a question mark written on her forehead. For two years I?ve used the past as my ultimate excuse to stay away from love – neither giving it, nor receiving it. A few years I was inhibiting an illusory land where emotions were simply forbidden, where the courage to change was not a legit option. While staring at S. I suddenly felt overwhelmed with emotions. My heart was beating fast. My breath was ragged. I couldn?t wait to see him. And it was less than a month until our reunion. And for a second I felt him unbelievably close, with all my hearth, body, and soul. This time not attracted by fire which comes and goes without giving you a chance to slow down the process. This time bold enough to dive in waters deeps and black and give my love to someone else. Years of numbness now exchanged with feelings of serenity, delight, and affection.
I didn?t have to utter a single word as S. could see the answer of her question in my sparkling eyes.
We smiled at each other under Madonna?s gentle voice that was quietly reminding ‘Nothing takes the past away like the future’.
And indeed, I knew that I?ve finally let go of the past ready to take the plunge and dive into the brighter future.
Are you ready to do that too?
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Lots of love,