LIFE LATELY: IT’S ALL A MATTER OF CHOICE
Six months have rolled over in a blink of an eye and looking back – it does feel like yesterday when I found out I was expecting. And it is true – the second trimester was much easier than the first – no more food aversions and regarding the tiredness – I’m going to the gym again, which does say a lot. But then does it?
For almost two trimesters I’ve been doing my best to repress the obvious (that I was pregnant) and kept behaving like the crazy hyperactive me, who can juggle too many things at once and keep going no matter what. But then, all of a sudden I began feeling like a hamster that runs and runs on its little device, but ultimately gets nowhere. I ended up lacking any energy to invest in my blog, in writing articles, and even in my relationship. Philip and I would spend time together, but I’d remain quiet or even worse try to maintain the conversation by asking questions so that I wouldn’t have to talk and admit how I truly felt.
I’ve been pushing myself to the limit – taking 8 hour shifts, which was a piece of cake in the past – so why would that change now? And while I couldn’t even envisage myself standing on my feet for 8 long hours, I went and did it anyway. Then I’d head back home with a forced smile on my face, hoping that Philip and I would have some ‘hygge time’. I would have loved to have also brought home some inspiration with me and be all positive and creative. I’ve lost it, the moment I lost my mind and decided that I had no choice. That it was all magically decided for me and that I had to get over the fact and accept it.Alternative to Bag by Closed (here) // Alternative to Sneakers by Lost Ink Suri Toe Cap Lace Up Plimsoll Trainers (here) // Denim Maternity Shorts ASOS (here) //Aldo Sunglasses; Alternative b Marc By Marc Jacobs Shades (here)// G-Star Oversized Tee (here)
Was I for real? Anyway.
By the time I entered the door my lips would have curved in the opposite direction and greet my favourite person with an expressionless face. I’d try to hide my feelings, as the last thing I wanted was to make Philip worry. He had a lot on his mind too – so why be self-centered and selfish?
It quickly became a vicious circle of me postponing having a rest and seeing things with clear head, a rest that would have given me the boost of energy and urge to go and explore and indulge in ‘inspiration’. I had ceased nourishing the plant of motivation within me and simultaneously forgotten that it was up to me to help it thrive. Until it got to a point that despite my tiredness I couldn’t make myself fall asleep. My thoughts were in constant fight with one another, with each of them trying to prevail. And the fact that I couldn’t find any solution made the room feel smaller, almost shrinking to a point that I couldn’t get enough oxygen to properly breathe.
In my attempts to prioritise I’ve focused on all that’s easy and incredibly wrong. And if it were any other person to share this story with me – I’d have seen and analysed the situation in an entirely different way. It’s crazy how easier it is to give yourself the role of the ‘observer’ even for a few minutes and distance yourself from the situation you’re in. And then after making an objective interpretation, to go back, gather up some courage and change the course of the events.
And there I was doing that and looking at that fragile girl, with dreams put on a hold. A girl, who out of exhaustion and confusion (she’s about to become a mother!?) is following a pattern that she’s always protested against. And there was also her hand holding her belly, most certainly trying to make sense of what the little one was trying to say.
A girl who’s first priority has to be that little one that’s soon to be in her arms.
A girl who has to learn to say ‘No’ and be bold enough to spend her time in the best possible way and ultimately to teach herself a lesson that she’d been preaching many times before – that it’s all a matter of choice – the way you feel, the things you do, and the people you let be part of your day.
I can only do my best to prove myself that I can close one door to let another finally fully open. But then pregnancy is also a crazy time – full of hormones, indecisiveness and sadness. It’s bewildering how being so ecstatic that you’re creating new life can also make you feel so confused, drained and exhausted that you cease seeing things right.
At least I have the realisation – now it’s time for action.
And what about your second trimester? Is it going as confusing as mine?