Bigger Than Life.
It was when P and I got sick. Both of us constantly sneezing, feeling all dizzy and down. I would never even consider to spend a day in the bed and give myself without a fight to the flu. I’d simply keep going with a ginger tea in hand until I feel myself again.
But now? Well, now I play another game.
Sick, with my period back though Sofia still on my breast, I’m genuinely struggling to squeeze enough positivity out of myself. And the physical discomfort added to the big decision P and I have recently made – yes, you can argue that I’m going a bit insane.
Sofia was vaccinated a couple of days ago and then spent a day in a room with us two, which doubled up the after effect of the shot she’d had. Now she’s also feeling poor and I feel so guilty that there was nothing we could do to protect our beautiful girl – because she needs US.
… And yet there she is completely oblivious to my thoughts.
Her body like a little oven, her arms extended forward begging for a hug.
I’m impatient to become a mother.
To be intuitive and upbeat, handling with finesses everything that comes our way.
Weirdly, now that I can’t actually choose to spend a day in the bed I feel tightness around my chest for the first time in desperate need of a break.
Having a baby is BIGGER THAN LIFE.
Being a mother – the price YOU PAY for WINNING THE ULTIMATE PRIZE.
I wish I could enjoy every second with Sofia the way her grannies do.
I wish I could come home to a baby all nourished and clean ready for some games.
I wish I could be that cheerful aunt sprinkling over her only rainbows, happiness, and smiles.
But I’m her mommy instead.
A mommy trying to be structured, and still utterly imperfect.
Often fed up and sad.
And yet carrying a heart beating love – so much… it’s just impossible to comprehend.
Because becoming a mom means learning to be selfish.
Learning to take care of yourself. Learning to be positive and at all times sane… as only then you can give your precious one the world without ever expecting anything in return.
I’ll keep trying and trying until I learn.
Because… you, Sofia.
My heart beats You.