A Quick Recap.

Happy New Year! Did you smile a lot during the holidays? I hope you did!
My December? A bit challenging.
A year ago I received the most chilling phone call from a childhood friend to let me know that my best friend has committed suicide (more here). A year has passed by and I still live in denial. I thought that once I begin writing about her I would be able to come to terms with reality and move on. Yet, I often find myself staring at the phone, hoping that she would give me a call to make a sarcastic remark about that sick joke someone made that she is gone. For a year I’ve been postponing seeing our mutual friends, probably because I’m aware that once I do – I will have to do the inevitable – accept her death.

My feelings for Sofia-Malou and Philip have done a great job in muting my sadness. Also, my parents were visiting us to spend the holidays with us, which kept me busy from thinking and reminiscing about the old days. And yet, deep down I was anxious enough to begin worrying about Sofia-Malou, something not typical for me. I was at the airport, waiting for my parents, while a negative thought crossed my mind.

‘I hope there is nothing contagious here’ keeping my hand over her mouth.

And there it was the law of attraction in action. A few hours later Sofia-Malou got covered with rash. Turns out she had gotten some sort of a virus. Thankfully, my milk prevented her from getting fever and any sort of itchiness. This was the first time I had to deal with my baby being unwell and I began obsessing over her symptoms, researching online (not a great idea) what she could possibly have, and constantly seeking reassurance from the people around me. And while Sofia was getting better I got the virus myself – fever, sore throat and all that. And then lack of appetite and inability to actually swallow the food interfered with my amount of breast milk I was producing.

‘Antoinette enough!’ Philip did a great job to help me snap back to reality. Even though I felt no hunger, I forced myself to eat so that I could stimulate my lactation. I was not ready to give up breastfeeding so easily. Plus, according to the doctor, it was precisely the antibodies in my milk that prevented Sofia from getting very sick.

Mina and I used to talk a lot about the power of thinking and how much people’s thoughts affect one’s life. And as much as I miss her, I know that she wants to be remembered with a smile.

Well, things are slowly getting back on track and so I am, even though January is the greyest time of the year. But then again – as Mina would say – it’s how you make it. And she made it with the most charming smile.